Christmas in the other Virginia
I love going home for the holidays for the usual reasons -- family, friends, blah, blah, blah. But, West Virginia has more to offer than traditional things. The Mountain State has a uniqueness all of its own, which keeps me feeling holly jolly year after year.
Here are four reasons (minus the usuals) for going home:
4. Christmas in the Park. This is a horrible display of lights, which have little to do with the holiday. Every year, the local vo-tech kids put up lights that are twisted and wired up to reflect a shark swimming through the grass, a golfer chipping onto a green, deer jumping across the road, kid favorites such as Barney and SpongeBob, among others. The park gets $250 million in donations for this craptastic event, all of which goes towards keeping it running year after year.
3. Pork Chop Biscuits. I've never eaten a pork chop biscuit, but I like the fact that I can go home and get one at the local Hardee's. It's not seasonal, but Christmas is usually when we joke about eating pork chop biscuits for breakfast, washing 'em down with some Bud Light, and following it all with Marlboro cigarettes.
2. Obesity. Number four sort of explains number three. I feel so skinny and physically fit when I go home. West Virginia is full of fat fat fat people that eat pork chop biscuits, drink Bud Light and smoke Marlboro cigarettes.
1. Inflatable yard ornament wars. Southern West Virginia is a depressing place. One way people brighten up the holiday is by buying inflatable yard ornaments. Houses compete to have the biggest, the best and the most. It's just not Christmas until I see more than 100 huge inflatable yard ornaments decorating a yard. It's better than Christmas in the Park.
This may sound somewhat depressing and/or cynical... But, I am sincere when I say that it just wouldn't be Christmas without each reason that has nothing to do with the season.
Here are four reasons (minus the usuals) for going home:
4. Christmas in the Park. This is a horrible display of lights, which have little to do with the holiday. Every year, the local vo-tech kids put up lights that are twisted and wired up to reflect a shark swimming through the grass, a golfer chipping onto a green, deer jumping across the road, kid favorites such as Barney and SpongeBob, among others. The park gets $250 million in donations for this craptastic event, all of which goes towards keeping it running year after year.
3. Pork Chop Biscuits. I've never eaten a pork chop biscuit, but I like the fact that I can go home and get one at the local Hardee's. It's not seasonal, but Christmas is usually when we joke about eating pork chop biscuits for breakfast, washing 'em down with some Bud Light, and following it all with Marlboro cigarettes.
2. Obesity. Number four sort of explains number three. I feel so skinny and physically fit when I go home. West Virginia is full of fat fat fat people that eat pork chop biscuits, drink Bud Light and smoke Marlboro cigarettes.
1. Inflatable yard ornament wars. Southern West Virginia is a depressing place. One way people brighten up the holiday is by buying inflatable yard ornaments. Houses compete to have the biggest, the best and the most. It's just not Christmas until I see more than 100 huge inflatable yard ornaments decorating a yard. It's better than Christmas in the Park.
This may sound somewhat depressing and/or cynical... But, I am sincere when I say that it just wouldn't be Christmas without each reason that has nothing to do with the season.
posted by sweetassgrandma at 12:49 PM
2 Comments:
Nobody likes Christmas in the Park. Christmas in the Park doesn't even like Christmas in the Park.
You lied.
I did not lie.
Part of Christmas is doing things you don't like and making fun of them later.
It's just not Christmas without Christmas in the Park.
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